i love talking to her.

i havent texted her for few days i wanted some time and see if i can handle it. i did couple of days.. i gave in yesterday. april 29. i miss talking to her thats why. i didnt want to bother her since school is ending and all these test and she has to study and all of that. :) its kinda wierd since we didnt text each other for couple days and i texted her and conversation still goes :). ya i missed her. kinda wierd because i dont know why i miss her. shes coming back june staying for a bout 2-3 weeks. her birthday is coming! im planning to send her a gift over there. any ways i cant wait for her to come back.

i have such moodswings. they slap me in the face.

her: your not sending me anything!
me: why not???
her: cos i still owe you.
me:doesnt matter. CUZ your a lagger!
her:i really am
me: yeah you are! its cool i dont want anything from you anymore!
her: :(
me:i send you something watch
her: nevurrrrrrr
me: why? what the hell.
her: its okay no bday gift for me
me: fine sasquatch! ill ttyl have a good tiem at work and studing!
her: booooo youuuu!
me: i shower i stinky ok! i miss you though. <2 bye caca
her: haha you smell like camel poo! Miss you camel! mwarr

dont know what im feeling.

lately i been thinking how i should stop talking to someone because i feel like she doesnt appreciate as much. first when you see someone, meet someone you like them already but once you get to know them personally and how they are then you start to feel like you dislike little things. i think its happening to me. this whole routine with luisa has gotten to me. once you open up to someone tell them all your secrets, love them, be there for them for so long that your so use to it, it can be gone forever! i hate when that happens i dont do it on purpose but i feel that i get attach and want it my way all the time. if i cant have it, i try and i try and i fall at the end, i hurt my self. i want to hear what i want to hear. i cant blame luisa that she did this to me! i have to blame my self for always doing this to myself. its not anyone's fault but mine. thats why it takes time for me to get on that level where i can open up so much to you and be werid with someone just cause your confortable with them.

i hate leaving and stop talking to someone cause i feel like its their fault but really its me. i know she hasnt done anything to me to hurt me, but i switch stuff up and i think so negative like im bothering her and all these dumb stuff. i dont know why im such a negative person its who i am, i dont think i can change that. i really do miss her though. i wish we hung out when she came back. she tells me were going to do a bunch of stuff when she comes back but it never happen. i was hurt. i didnt tell her though i was hurt and dissapointed. she promise me when she comes back again well do all the stuff we talk about but i dont know anymore. i stop texting her and i think ima stop for awhile. its hard stop texting someone you text to everyday. i love talking about how her days was. all the little things matter the most to me. mmm i dont know what im feeling. i really dont. i dont get myself.

sometimes i hate people! but i miss them certain of times. then i hate them again.

whats going on.

damn it i havent blog lately, i should. my laptop charger broke so i havent been getting on as much! im usualy my sister old laptop which is pretty lame because she has so much stuff on here and the charger is messed up as well. blah.

great news. my grandma left she moved. she went! finally. i have my space. i love my bed, my room! my space! i been working alot well thats all i do now  a days! i saved up alot of money. still saving not stoping. its good to save to think about what can happen. this is just a small update. my red integra was stolen like few weeks ago! its all messedup when we found it so we didnt want it anymore. im saving for a car. i been driving my dad truck which sucks cause i have to take my sister to work at 5. then my dad at 8 then myself at 9. its crazy. im still living though so thats good.

i recently got a longboard! i been wanting one since my friend introduce me and got me hooked! i love it. i got it used from a friend its pretty messedup but it dont matter cause if i get into it more ill get my self a Original but now i have a sector nine. :) yay for cruising! i cant wait to cruise the beach when i have time in the summer :) i havent been smoking. i stop for awhile. for no reason. i know i dont need it. :) its fun being high though. Also i know i can have fun sober so no worries :)

i dont know how i feel about this girl anymore.

blah pointless blog just a little update.

Worst Week Ever!

i had the worst week ever! everything is hitting me at the end of this month! fuck you march! ok its not really march but damn it everything at once is hitting me this week! right in the ass! first of all my dad integra i drive got jacked! so that means i have no way of getting to work and back -__-. so much shit! my grandma situation she is taking up the space in the room! im starting to pay insurance 111 each month plus 60 bucks for phonebill, now i know how it feels to pay bills. jorelle is back for springbreak and i didnt get to hang out with her at all! we were suppose to get dinner tonight but the car is jacked so no car no go! damn all these stuff happening! but i know afterall everything will be ok. at least its the weekend and i dont have work! smokes smokes smokes and chill.

xxo pat.

im not happy anymore.

i was happy last week, but since my grandma is here i don't feel happy at all. its not that i hate her. i just want my space in my room. i want to come home from work and sleep in my bed. she takes up my bed. i have a little space and she takes more then half of my bed it makes me mad that i cant enjoy sleeping. i love sleeping on my bed. thats the only space i have. i love coming home to sleep on my bed and now i hate coming home. i hate how she thinks its her bed. she told me she was leaving monday but today is monday and nope she took my aunt 500 dollers and gamble its like why do you gamble with money you don't have? your doing this to your self that's why your homeless. damn it. its getting to me i dislike her staying here. i cant even ride my bike anymore. she gets mad at me for riding my bike and she wants me to sell it. i hate this. i really do. i hate coming home high and she ask me all these questions. i put a long pillow between us and she asked me last night "why do you put a pillow between us?." i didn't know what to say i was like i don't know. she always say dumb shit like "oh it was raining so hard i should of crashed into the wall so i can die i dont want to live anymore." im just tired of this. i love my home but honestly my house is not a home no more. i only wanted my sister brothers mom and one of my uncle to live here. its like this house anyone can just sleep here. my uncle who is so annoying lives here with us for awhile he doesnt pay rent, he smells, never takes shower, rude, talks nonsence! its like homeless in our home. i know i have to get over it and deal with it. its reality but its hard right now cause i hate it so much. i know everything will be ok though.

i feel bad.

Ok so last night I abused my twitter with how I was feeling! I was so pissed off because guess what I was sleeping and all a sudden my grandma comes out of no where and bang on our doors and she comes to me and says "can I sleep with you? I'm a homeless I have no where to sleep. Please?" I looked at her and said "really? Right now? I'm so big." it was so hard saying no. So I just said yeah ok she said it was for only one night because she is going to share a place with someone. ok so the story is that its not that I dislike her or anything I really do love her, its just the way she lies. Don't ever lie I hate liars! I repeat hate! She always come to our house just to ask my dad or mama for money then she asks me even when I didn't had a job. She asks everyone! She always takes the money and goes gamble with it ! Its like ok you ask for money cause you said you have no gas and you go gamble it all away? So crazy! Ugh. So while I was sleeping I really do move and like my space. I didn't had much room cause I felt kinda wierd cause she was hugging me and I couldnt turn and all that. I didn't even sleep!! When she was hugging me she was like praying and I just felt wierd. But the next morning I was not in a good mood I was like mad cause I had to take my sis to work at 5am then I come back to sleep for few hours but it takes time cause its hard for me to go back to sleep. All of sudden my sis calls me and said can I go back and work cause the boss had to do some thing wowowowoww so I went back and forth with no sleep -___-. I was so moody in the morning when my grandma was leaving she said thanks to my mom and said bye to us and she sounded real sad. She left around 8ish to go to the casino! When she was leaving I notice her voice sounded like she was crying. I felt so sad when I heard her say bye like she was not wanted in the house. Eh. Its her fault though we gave her a chance before but she moved out of here. Guess what though at the moment she's sleeping on my bed ! Ugh now I have no space! Its like when I get home from work I wanna get home and sleep on my bed you know? But I hope tomorrow she sleeps in the living room. Also I even feel more bad cause right now I'm sleeping with my sister and my grandma was asking me your not going to sleep with me? I said no ill sleep with kym I need more room she looked so sad and she just said I won't come back tomorrow. Ahhhhh makes me feel like the bad person damn.

wondering wondering.

everything is the same you can say. just work. today weather is nice. lykke li is performing at amoeba this monday but damn it i have so much to do! i need to take my sis to work, pick her up ! go get the car fix! and dad is going to rent a car -___- damn it. i hate gas prices too! gas is so damn high! i get gas twice a week now and it kills my wallet. fucking sucks. boohoo. now im thinking about getting new tires for my bike so instead of driving to work ill bike, but if i do decide to bike to work i have to wake up extra early just to see how long i will get to work. boo! maybe an hour or hour 30 mins to get to work, im not even sure.

i got high last night, a joint & blunt with my brother and nary. i already know when im on a good level. i dont wanna over due the point of getting too high cause i can totally trip. it was funny as hell. i remember the cops were near us and we jam. i remember going home taking a pack of turkey and bread and eating everything and pringles -___- my god ate so much! i slept for about 2-3 hours woke up and ate! this morning i woke up HUNGRY! weather is really nice right now, more like hotness coming! ill miss winter. i love the cold so much. hm well see how this year goes. summer stay away!

everything's Good.

yes yes yes. well kind of. shit here and there. lets see, i been helping my sister pay the phone bills cause she doesnt have much money. plus she is paying for her apartment which her ex husband isnt living there no more so she is alone :(. anyways work is cool i like working! i made alot of friends ! older people. haha some Dj's and also some famous people come by! sometimes i get rude customer i give them attitude back cause fuck i cant take it if ur going to give me a hard time -___- .

well last night i got good news! shes coming back march19! yes! :)
i thought i was going to wait till may but yay spring break shes coming back.

when she tells me she miss me.

i feel like the happiest kid in the world.

its hard to control feelings.

i cant control how i feel towards someone. its not only that. you cant control how you feel at all. you cant just make your self happy just cause your saying your happy. it doesnt mean your truly happy inside? i dont know if you know what i mean. some people are really good at hiding how they feel. anyways i feel like i try to control my feelings for example not to like a person cause it wont ever happen? the situation with luisa. i learned. back when i was in highschool i didnt care if she was straight,i didnt believe the word. i just enjoy her company and like who she is. it doesnt mean i cant feel attracted to her? hm i dont know. in my world thats how i see it. i dont care if your straight gay bisexual or lesbian your fucking human. um. yeah. i just felt like writing something but sometimes it dont make sense i dont know how to say what im thinking. i think i feel more attracted to jorelle cause we been talking alot. i dont know is it a bad idea.im not doing anything bad or anything . im saying i just like talking to her, she makes me smile :). anyways she wanted me to send her something thru the mail and i tried writing a letter and my mind was BLANK its cause we talk everyday kinda. so i just sent her some stickers and stencils. well everthing is great. to be continue. <2.

Blown!

last night it was shy (charlene) house party at her apartment in northridge. i ended up going but  mckaven driving cause the mexican truck i was going to drive was a fail. haha mckaven and aldrich and i couldnt NOT fit in the truck hahahaha! i felt like i had 3 legs. aldrich legs could of gas for me hahaha. wierd. anyways it was nice seeing faces. good shit was smoking out! i was topline blown. like seriously. bowls on pipes. bowls on bongs. a blunt. an a bubbler. it was great. i was pretty much "mr.giggles." i was laughing so much and my imagination was going. hilarious! it was fun :). glad i went. gots to admit the fucking bong hits wassssss crazy. anyways got home safe and im glad everyone did as well.

update* fast and easy.

work:              i been working alot, i feel great about it cause its money! im saving! im doing good at it because im not spending as much! well i was at first but then im trying to manage my money now. hm anways ill see how long this goes. im glad im not sitting on my ass and not doing anything.

school.             i want to go back but i really dont know what school. i dont wanna go back to lacc. dont feel to happy there. i didnt even know anyone. few similar faces but you know what i mean? friends friends? eh. i need to go back though. i will though. its a promise.

weekeends:       i usually babysit saturdays and spend my time biking most of the weekends. biking doesnt cost money and i love to do. it feels good to bike. Food takes all my money -___-.

facebook/tumblr:     i havent been on as much as i was before because of work and like i said before i get to lazy to get on after work so i want my rest. thats good though because i always get on alot. yay me for not going on alot.

friends:         i been hanging out with my aldrich he is more like family then a friend. but i havent hang out with friends as much its whatever i dont really care. i pretty much dont like hanging out with friends as much anymore. i just dont get my self sometimes. i just like hanging out one on one. or two people or 3-4 max. its just me. sometimes its okay it feels good hanging out with a group sometimes. sometimes i miss my friends sometimes i really dont. just to be honest -__-.

crush:          ok i got nothing to hide ;) well i let the who ever is reading this know who is my crush, haha cause i havent talk to anyone about it just 1 person. im just letting people know now because i already told her and guess who it is? haha... its someone i went to highschool with and we never rarely talk! its jorelle. hm some may notice if you know me well, some may not. but i already told her i how i felt and this and that. shes cool with it. mmm i love our conversations. anyways thats it for now.

family:          i been having problem with my mom, well not me giving her problem shes giving me the problems! im so annoyed its started on monday! but not its wahtevers its her birthday tomorrow. i know ill forgive her its just what she says gets to me sometimes. things she says hurt me sometimes. -___-. the rest sister brothers are good! my brother is back from riverside! i missed him! i havent seen him and i miss smoking and being goofy with him! Love my little brother!

work!

work is good, i like it. i getting use to it. its pretty fun. i dont remember all the price but im getting there. its chill. i clean serve customer and watch movies all day. 1030am till 7pm! 8 hours. tuesday to friday. people can visit if they like. i just cant really hook it up. theres cameras but i try. i get sneaky with it. if you visit me around the time im closing 6ish to 7. i can get some donuts :) but not all the time. well i dont wanna look like i eat so much donuts! i hate donuts. sick of it! i even smell like it! ugh. its all good. first pay day was great. never ever got paid. well yeah i have hm feels great like always. i need to save money for a car. i want a jeep. im trying. i help my parents out and give them some money and buy stuff for the fridge i feel great. but sometimes it sucks that when i give them money they ask for me and it makes me feel like im working my ass off and have nothing left. but yeah im just running my mouth. random. just update.

www.firstlove1.tumblr.com
most of the time im on here. Pictures. Little Blogs.
I like this blogger though not much people know of it.

xxo. pat

to feel comfortable.

i was talking to a girl i met online from San Deigo like along time ago and its pretty cool cause she still keep in touch with me, we were talking about how opening up and child hood and life just catching up. its great cause i never met her before and we are well we will when she gets to los angeles. shes such a cool buddy i have! we talk to each other like we know each other. haha. the subject "being fat" came up. she said she was fat and i was like hell no she is not fat well through pictures she doesnt not look fat at all, she said its cause they are pictures and that i have to see her in real life. i saw her senior picture and she was chubby but now she doesnt look like that at all and she tells me she is exercising alot and she stop eating alot of stuff. i dont think she has to loose weight, she looks fine i told her that she looks great! i told her i am the person who needs to loose weight. to be real alot of people dont like talking about their weight because they feel fat and uncomfortable with themselves. thats how i feel, thats why i hate exercising around people i hate it because i dont like my body. you dont understand trust me, only if you were in my body you will know how i feel. we had that in common because we both say were fat and we dont feel confortable. in order to be happy you have to feel comfortable with your self. you have to love everything about your self. ok cross that out maybe not to love everything about your body but you know'. it stress you out if your like i dont like my body this and that. i dont really mind my fat, even though i really have to loose weight cause im pretty fat. i may not look that fat, but i am. unhealthy. also what i dont like the most about my self, of course on my old blogs i mention it. its my breast. i hate them! thats why i feel so uncomfortable wearing a T shirt. i wish i had small breast if i did i would be out with a tank top with no bra cause i wouldnt care if my tit's are just small. haha i wish i had small tits. all i can do i wish. but really im serious i will have chest surgery when i have money when i have everything in the right track. thats just something i want. i really want. mmm i just want to feel comfortable with my chest. even though i bind not all the times though i just wanna like not make it routine for example.

i have to wear a binder everytime i want to go out, i just want to get out of the shower with a T shirt and go out. i have to wear a binder and make my self comfy and then go out. its a hassle. but thank-you for my binder haha. 

apple is great.

im pretty high right now, and im eating a apple and my dad just came out of the room. i clearly can hear the music slowly and my chewing. i can hear them all at the same time. its pretty cool. thinking about what if my dad ask me why does that apple smells like weed? haha its clearly a thursday night im not doing nothing at all. just here, plus everyone is going back to school. also that means i got work! i will keep trying my best to work and make some cash. its better then sitting my ass at home doing nothing. i should try. hm. music is really good right now, i love how i can hear all the lyrics they say. yeah even busta rhymes. im pretty hungry im still eating the apple but other side of my brain im thinking about wingstop. mmm i would order 10 wings combo! mm with fries and a drink. of course the ranch as well.! mmm ketchup! sounds so great. flavor lemon pepper and barbeque. mmm im so hungry. korean bbq sounds good as well. i havent ate around there. my music stop awhile ago and i was sitting there thinking about when is my music going to stop? you know what i mean? its a trip. i feel so relax. everytime. everytime. just chilling my eyes feel kind of low and heavy. its burning well not burning burning. um i want some tuna. tuna. so great. wait i dont know . but mac and cheese . damn i am hungry. im funny i got apple stuck on my teeth. eyes feel so heavy. i think i said that i think i have. hm . ill just end this right now and relax. :)

i've been hiding!

well not hiding hiding, i havent been online for 2-3 days. i been going out alot and coming home late or coming home and being to tired to get on! it feel good though, at least i dont sit on my ass and stay on. so i need to stop getting on alot and just do something fun and productive.

a small update on few days.

sunday: went to ruby baby shower with nary and got lost and ended up finding the park and it took us forever! got to the babyshower saw alot of friends and got to hang out and yeah it was a good day!

monday: went to LACMA with nary sydney margee lucy wai and jenny. it was cool, it was the same stuff but we went with more people and took a bunch of pictures. well not a bunch but yeah pretty much i can say. mostly at the light poles. or light things? i dont know. haha um yeah

tuesday: went out with nary and raina! good times. haha its always funny! ended up going to raina house smoked some stuff and ended up going to a spot on venice with nice cottages and houses! it was beautiful so nice and peaceful. so much happen! we were laughing and talking non sence. after we went to venice and just walked around we didnt have alot of time cause we only had an hour on the meter. but other then that it was a good day.

today i will be going to No Strings Attached screening with nary! also maybe ameoba afterwards :) hmm adventure week. im very broke as well.

lately i dont know what i should go.

i been confuse with my self lately, i thought i was going to get that job at pho citi in glendale but cross that out my mom wasnt even sure if she was forsure about me working there. now the lady dont need any worker. so whatever im cool with it. also my sister hit me up today asked me if i wanna help her work at the donut shop and then just work on the weekdays from 10 to 7pm. by robertson at culver city. i guess ill take the job. at some point i dont want to do it then i do. i hate myself for that i get excited like oh okay i should work and then i get all like eh i dont want to work. reality though i need to work. a.s.a.p! i need to work and save some cash. i been broke for awhile now and i need to make my own money. i gotta get it together i should take the job. i just feel like i wont learn and shit i think everything is hard or something. thats how i feel haha. i need to get it together and stop being scared. i need to man up!!!!!!

hmm if i do work at the donut shop i say people visit me ;)

how can you tell someone you love them..

lately, ok its not really my buisness but my aunt who i call mom told my step mom about my sister christine who is like 30 something years old and she was married for about awhile now. she broke the news to me and told me that my sister husband jorge and my sister split up. :( i cant fucking beleive it. guess how'd it happen? one night he came home and he said to her "i lived with you over 10 years but i never'd loved you." i cant believe someone would ever fucking say that! typing that already gave me chills. that is so hurtful. my sister doesnt know i know, i dont wanna bother her. i know she is HURT i know it. i just dont want to hurt her even more by asking, but if she ever tells me she knows ill always be there for her. still cant believe he was a cool ass guy! he was so funny and he always took me out and everything else. they were so cute together. you never know you really never know what can happen. seriously. i feel bad for her :( i love her so much. people you love are hurt it hurts you. its like people who love you knows when your hurt. i hope everything will get better. i think she should let him go cause he just threw all of that out of no where. hurted her so much =/ i love my sister. shes hard working and she tries really hard and im glad shes trying to be strong! at least shes trying. i love her so much i cant describe how much i love her. i cant believe how someone can tell a person u lived with for 10 years plus you love them and this and that but its all fake. i really dont know.

i wish everything gets better for her! i love my big sister who takes care of me so much when i was younger!

UPDATE on me .

lately i havent been blogging on here because like i said i been on tumblr haha, but its all good i think ill go back on here and write whatever is on my mind or what so ever. anyways.

HOW ARE YOU?
i am great! i can say that, its a new year and i wanna try new things, i wanna go out more and really meet new people. i need to stop being shy. i say shit and i gotta do it. seriously im doing it. haha! shit i say like "i need to stop being shy," i need to do that! fuck. seriously its pisses me off haha. also i suppose to work today at PHO CITI in glendale but instead i dont know what happen, my mom got me the job yesterday and i was suppose to work full time and this and that but she called me today saying the manager said  maybe or something like that. so i dont know what is going on, whatever i dont care. i wouldnt mind working i was sad about working cause i didnt wanan work at glendale and see everyone and shit. i heard the place is shitty haha but i had like 7pm to 3am hours and it woulda been great cause i wouldnt mind that hours. no traffic! yes for no traffic!

NEW YEAR?
quick and all, i didnt do anything i had alot of plans going on that day ended up not going to none. i didnt want to go i didnt feel like it, i wanted to stay home with my family even if we didnt do anything. i also smoked out with my brother.


COLLEGE KIDS WINTER BREAK?
the people came back and now i have friends again! ahha but i smoked alot on winter break cause my brother got alot of fucking bud. ALOT. hung out with few people. mainly nary and my brother. its cool though i enjoy hanging out with them. i love them , just like my family! brothers and sisters!

SICKNESS
i caught a nasty ass cold last time, it was so bad i was so sick i wasnt normal alot of shit happen i kept thrwing up. i had a nasty ass fever also i think i got food posioning because i kept throwing up. ughhhhh im glad im getting better :D

LACMA. and Today.

today i went to lacma with margee and nary and shit was tight. i liked alot of the art and everything! yes. this week is going to be good! its going to be great! theres a art walk thursday and i cant wait for that :D but ok anyways

havnet blogged on here, been on tumblr. fuck it though ima start blogging back here. i wanted tumblr so i can upload muisc and have a playlist lol. but yeah, today started off iffy cause i thought i was going to work but instead i didnt have to so i just went to the thift store with nary and ended up buying a bunch of shit cause the sales were crazy! thift shopping plus a sale? shit it was crazy. 5pink slips = 3 dollars. so 5 shirts or whatever that has pink was fucking 3 dollar . what a fucking deal. plus i had some little cash so i wanted to buy some things. kabam! yay :) but yeah nary spend fucking 64 dollars! god damn that girl went crazy! oh wells she liked the stuff she got so it should be worth it! haha she got a whole lot of stuff.