appreciate.

currently listening to : Naughty by Nature - OPP!

appreciate :to be grateful or thankful for.

Christine my sister..well shes not really my sister shes my aunt daughter, shes 30 something years old she has a husband and lives in these brown apartments boarder of glendale? i guess. haha im actually her cousin, her baby cousin. i consider her as a sister though.


 i hate............ HATE getting calls from her. why? because she always lecture me about school and jobs and EVERYTHING. i always get miss calls from her but i end up calling her back because i dont wanna not call back when i got a miss call. i feel bad. im such a bad person, well not exactly bad its just i hate the lectures. i feel that im young right now and i dont really care, but later on when i get older i will grow the fuck up and show her i love her. she use to call me and tell me "oh did you apply to classes? are you taking classes that you need? did you get the forms? when are you getting a job? " all of these questions blah it just annoys me. she barely finish college well about few years ago and she messed up she tells me all the time, she doesnt want me to follow her footstep and messed up and finish all late. i know she cares for me so much i just hate how i try to avoid her so  much. i drove to her house to pick up something for my aunt and i knew she wanted me to stay to hang out a little bit .. guess what i said.. "oh ima go home and shower cause ima hang out with my friends were gona go watch a movie." right when i said that i looked at her looks like she was sad. i felt bad for lying. i lied. i made that up. =/ i just hate it because i know if i stay i think she will ask me about school and its going to stress me more and get all uncomfortable. i avoid her so much. i need to stop =(


Today i got a call from her 
sis: hey do you want to go shopping? ill buy you some clothes.
me:no its okay i dont need anything, but thanks! 
sis: ok you sure?
me: yeah thanks though!
sis:ok 
me: ok... bye


i ended the conversation like that. its arkward. i felt like she was going to say something else and i had to end the conversation. 


5 mins later she called
sis: oh yeah do you want to update your phone? 
me: huh what do you mean?
sis:you want any phone ill buy it for you
me: hmmm reallly?
sis:yeah whatever you want do you like any new phones?
me: mm no its okay i like my g1. ill keep this
sis:okay then just tell me if you want anything.
me:ok thankyou sis,
sis:ok then ill talk to you later
me:ok i love you.
end of conversation.

i had to say i love her. i just hate showing that i love her. its hard to show her appreciate what she does for me. i know she cares. one day ill grow some manly balls and tell her and hopefully we can connect like we were before. we were close.. but now i guess when college happen she wants me to try, and i dont... it makes her sad. :( 

transgender FTM.

currently listening to : Pharcyde: Otha Fish In The Sea.

FTM: female to male.

i always thought about transgenders. i been thinking about it awhile back ago. maybe a year at least. im just so interested about it. i thought about alot. its just amazing! i love it. i read alot of blogs about FTM transgender its amazing. trust me people would feel kind of disgusted but its amazing to me. i thought about it, would i ever transgender.? hmm well my answer, no i wouldnt i really wish i was a guy but right now all i can do is wish. its not going to happen but honestly i am happy with my self, cept that i have tits/boobs. ugh i hate those. i have large boobs and man i really want to get them off as soon as i get money. i talked to my mom about it and she is fine with me having a chest surgery. i would be so complete if i didnt have no tits. honestly i would FEEEEL extremely complete. i dont mind having a vagina, but i think dicks are more attractive. vaginas are kinda ugly, not so cute...

i hate getting comments about boobs/tits. ugh i wish i cut these fuckers off. haha but right now im binding so it makes me feel more manly kind of. i dont bind all the time, but when i go somewhere with alot of people, i dont bind when i go eat or anything only nice occasions i guess? im always naked at home. boxers & tank. just like a guy. man if i have no tits, i would looooove to go out shirtless or take off my shirt in public :). that would be a dream!

dont get me wrong that i dont like tits, i do love tits, but its just not for me. i like tits but small ones? large large breast is a nono. eh..this was very random.

"no one is fully happy about them self."

thoughts.

currently im looking for a book to read. i found one well alot of famous lesbian reads the book. its called "Stone Butch Blues." im gonna buy it as soon i put my money in the bank :)

its been hot lately i hate it, i fuckin hate the heat. i cant wait till winter comes! i cant wait till that rain start coming! let that cuddle season come! ahhh.

also im thinking of getting a strap on real soon. for those that doesnt know what a strap on is, well its what lesbian use! :) STRAP ON. penis penis penis! i want a real looking one. i went to the sex shop last time i didnt find anything i like, but hmm lets keep on searching! 

"i think everybody should like everybody." -Andy Warhol.

 

i like to blog when im high.'

currently listening to kid cudi - up up and away.
"we dont care what people say......"

So i was thinking about me being single forever and ever and ever and ever and ever & .. ever. 
oh i hope not. i talk to alot of girls doesnt mean i play girls. i was talking to someone and she said "your a player, i know your trying to play me. you play everyone." right when she said that i was like really.? why do you say that??? she just said cause she knows i play people. -_-. really i dont think i play girls, wait I DONT PLAY GIRLS cause were not even together. but ...uh i think if i find someone who i really like and trust me ill try.. ill do my part. im to nice thats why, im friendly, i love girls! 

if i find a girlfriend, i think ill be so corny. 




holding hands, simple kisses, telling her shes beautiful, going on a first date, meeting my family, meeting her family, sing in the car, go to the movies on random days, love her for her, be there for her, introduce her to my friends, give her space, dont get to jealous/clingy, watch movies at her or my house, sleepover, cuddle!, rub her head till she falls asleep, wrestle her and let her win. 


i just cant wait. :)

if i had a girlfriend.

i think ill be so attached to her. that always happens =/
but if she is my girlfriend i dont gotta worry cause shes my girlfriend.
but i bet ill still worry cause im such a jealous person.

i like that corny stuff :) first date stuff.
flowers & etc. mm

really random.

im on top of the world

XoXo  Pat Nguyen.

lets update with pat nguyen.

First of all im high, i just smoked with my brother and adewole earlier.

School: i stop going school this semester. i thought about it the first week when we were coming back. im not happy at school, i know no one is not happy or hate school and its not for them. I hate it so  much i dont even enjoy being there. i really dont, i guess cause i dont try. it doesnt interest me. i feel like a homeless living at home, i feel that i wont get no where. i always think about fuck what am i going to do when i get older, i dont even know. i wanna be a photographer/artist. i know i need to go school but fuck why do i need school. I mean i do need it to get somewhere. Right now im just waiting till i get that shit through my head, cause honestly right now all i wanna do is have fun and fuck it you know. im fucking up though. i need a job.

Money: money is something i use everyday. i need a job so badly i know i keep on saying this and it seems like i dont try at all. Fuck i need to get my shit together i always tell myself that but it never fucking hits me cause i dont care. i act like i dont care but sometimes i do care. Such a bad ass pat.

Life: uhh its alright i guess, everything im doing right now isnt so good, just being a bum living at home not going school nor having a job. i feel like a downer to everyone. i feel like i wont ever get no where. i should believe in myself. i always have to think negative. seriously i need to stop. i need to take my own advice. dont you hate that,? when a friend of yours is having a problem and you can help them out but when your the one with the problem all of sudden you dont listen to your own advice, i guess i just want to hear it from my friends to make my self feel better? i guess.

Girls.? um hey hey last couple days ago a friend of mine was saying "your a player, you play girls. i know you i know your little games." haha that made me laugh, but really hey im not a player i just crush alot ;). okay i dont like the name calling but honestly i love girls, i like talking to girls. Having choices. getting to know everyone and having good conversation is good right'? i dont fall for you, even if i kiss you doesnt mean i like you. its just a kiss. i can say im a flirt. i probably would think that im "thinking im playing you" doesnt that make sence? i really dont know. hmm well theres alot of girls i like, i like alot of girls. i dont intend to hurt people feelings its just i feel scared to be commited since i been single. ? right , its going to be a change. im just not ready for that. but afterall i still have that one person im always going to care for no matter what and i promise whatever happens ill still care and be there for you. you know who you are.

fat: fuck im so fucking fat. seriously. here i go again.... talking about fuck im fat and i eat and i dont give a fuck. blah i need to do something with this fat ! it looks fucking wrong! i got stretch marks and its not attractive. blah i need to go running and watch what the fuck im eating, cuz shoot i eat alot of wingstop! ='/

Future: future.... looks scan through it. i can just say GOALS? hmm i want to finish school. get a good paying job. work for a long time . save up money. get my own car. give parents money and take care of them. have my own place, maybe a little studio it doesnt matter something cheap so i can afford it. Have a nice girlfriend and treat her very good. have a cute doggy. uhhh lose some weight. hmm theres more just cant think right now.

XoXo pat nguyen.